Sunday, October 5, 2008

A New View...

"It seems to me...that external circumstances often serve as occasions for a new attitude to life and the world, long prepared in the unconscious, to become manifest." Carl G. Jung..


So the circumstances of my my life are once again being altered. 7 days after our wedding, my husband came home from a weekend training with the Army National Guard and announced that he will be "sourced" in the next 15-21 months.. As a newbie to the Army thing, he had to explain to me that it meant he would be deployed, as in over seas to an undisclosed location for a period of 12 months. Not exactly the honeymoon we had envisioned..Not exactly the circumstances I had in mind to start my new married life with...

I have had about a month to get my head and heart around this bit of information. A constant flow of thoughts come and go in to my mind, so much so that I have started a mental list of things that I need to be ready to deal with.. I have spent time thinking about the practical; bills getting paid, home repairs that will have to be done, dealing with decision making power for the stepson; thinking about his children being without their dad for a year, the grandson missing his grandfather for a whole year.

The bulk of my thinking is very self centered.. Will he be safe? Worst case scenarios seem to come into my head and at times take my breath away. What if something happens here, who will help me deal with it? I don't want to be alone for a year..the thought of being all alone; far from my family supports, working full time, dealing with a senior year and the needs of his children and my own son, but who will be here for me? I am somewhat angry about the circumstances, but I knew this going into the relationship that it was a possibility, I just thought we would continue to beat the odds..

I also think about him..He has trained for this, and dedicated years of his life to service to his country..This is the culmination of that training, and honestly it is something he wants to do. I understand that part of his psyche completely. I think about him there, alone, in constant crisis situation mode for 12 months..How will this change him? What will it do to him and how will that affect the "us" we have just started to create? I have jokingly told him that our "seven year itch" will be postponed as we will probably go through a second or extended honeymoon phase when he comes home..yet part of me gets that the horror of war could change his "attitude" and persona to something I don't know..It is the unknown and total lack of control that has me feeling so very overwhelmed by it all..

I liken this experience to what families feel when the reality of a serious illness, or injury comes into a life and alters the circumstances of their lives. I share this as I think about the families who I encounter, dazed, overwhelmed, not knowing how the change in their life could happen, and dealing with the unknown of it all comes crashing down around them as they deal with the choice of placing a loved one in a permanent long term care setting, or they deal with the choices of care giving..In a moments notice the path,the course the expected becomes null and void; replaced by so many questions, unknowns and what ifs...

As a caregiver leader, I can give lip service to the feeling, I can talk about the knowns from my side of the desk..But until one is faced with a set of life altering circumstances; we cannot begin to understand the emotion, the loss of control,the thoughts and anxiety that comes with it..

So the circumstances presented to us have left me with a new attitude and appreciation for so many things..Simple time spent as a family, recognizing the daily gifts I have been given, how great my life has been blessed, and that happiness is a self dependent emotion that I chose to put in my life everyday..

I shall keep you posted on the circumstances of my life as they progress..for right now the attitude is about getting through the day with a smile, focus and a renewed recognition of what families feel when they deal with me as a caregiver...I get it...

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